I think this may very well be my most regularly used post title. I seem to be in a perpetual state of starting over. I have just enrolled in a blogging workshop with Rhonda Hetzel of Down to Earth, and I am very excited. But a blogging workshop does necessitate that I have a blog of some description, and as meagre and pithy as it is, this one will have to do.
I was quite frankly shocked to see the date of my last post – 2015. Excuse me, but where have the last 3 plus years gone? I am sure I have been here since then, but apparently not. I have been busy – I have kids, in school, at sport, in my dreams. They are my purpose for doing all that I do. It wasn’t until today, reading over some of my old posts (my god I sounded a bit of a wanker in some of those posts – not sure it was actually me) that I realised how scared I was approaching the end of my time as a stay-at-home mum of young children. It had completely occupied my life for over a decade.
I was clutching at threads, telling myself that I would metamorphose into some high functioning supermum ready to leap into the respectable world of paid employment the moment my youngest left my wings for the world of wolves. Even before it happened, and ever since, I have been lost, wandering, seeking something meaningful to fill that gaping void. Really, nothing can replace that. It was a precious, magical time in my life.
By now you might be thinking I sound quite pathetic and melodramatic. My kids are still relatively young and they are mine between 3.10pm and 9.00am Monday-Friday, and all weekend and holidays. Not a bad deal in all respects. And I have loved being able to focus my attentions on my role as homemaker. But there is little honour in being a homemaker these days, and I feel the outward pressure mounting for me to return to work, to contribute my share to the household economy. I am at war, with myself, with those that think I have been living a priviledged life and should be ready to emerge from this cocoon refreshed, revived and ready to take on the world. But really, I am a mess. I am struggling to find my place in this new phase of my life. I don’t really want it.
My mind will continue to try to beat my heart into submission. I wonder which will win, do I have the power to control that? Or will I even think it matters in 3 plus years from now?