Searching within

While not wanting to fall down a rabbit hole by continuing from my post earlier in the week regarding one’s purpose in life, the whole experience of becoming open to the concept of spirituality and searching for a meaningful existence has been like unlocking a secret door. Suddenly, I am being presented with dialogue and material focused on this topic. I am not even actively seeking this, it is just availing itself to me. This might sound a little far fetched, and certainly, the inner sceptic in me would be inclined to agree, but I also think that once you have decided to believe in something and allow yourself to trust and have faith that you are on the right path, you begin to see signs of it everywhere.

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A recent impromptu conversation with a friend was evidence of just such a thing. Leaning in the car door window one morning at school drop off, my friend shared the lessons she had learned on her journey towards spirituality and finding her inner light. While completely unexpected, this conversation was so deeply aligned to my current thoughts, it was like a sign from the universe, confirming I was on the right path, encouraging me to have faith and trust as I continue on my journey. My friend had discovered that connecting to her spirituality depended on feeling a sense of security and stability, and knowing what inspires you and sparks joy within you. It was that question of knowing what inspires and sparks joy within me that I could not honestly answer. I am reminded of that message about staying honest and faithful to yourself. My question is now, how do you find your inspiration, the thing that makes you tick?

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I have tried to remain open to that question this past week, allowing the thoughts and ideas to linger – how do I feel, do these ideas truly excite me, can I see myself diving in and losing myself? I have searched a long way back in my memories to try to catch glimpses of what that elusive thing is. Taking photographs of the stars and moon while sitting on the letterbox in the yard of my childhood home as a 12-year-old, amazed by the vividness and magnitude of space – was I destined to become an astronomer? A photographer? Or is the answer broader? Am I here to explore the unknown? Viols of perfume made from tea tree, ointments of aloe vera, teas and tinctures of herbs found in the garden – was I born to study herbalism? Examining my dreams and exploring the mystical arts of Tarot reading, dream divination, folklore…or hiking national parks, engrossed in the landscape, the plants, the geological formations, the sounds of nature…protesting the rights of the disadvantaged at the dinner table…writing poetry sitting in the lofty heights and sounds of the tall she-oaks with their mournful whistling. I could go on. At what point does one of these potential pathways lead to my destiny, or were all they just pastimes?

My journey is young, and my questions greatly outnumber the answers at this stage. But are there clues hidden in my past that can help me on my way?

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I will admit that I am a little frightened that I will become stuck in a vortex of indecision and unknowns. I am well beyond the years, typically, of learning who I am and examining my navel, and while I appreciate the philosophy of life being a journey and it not being about the end destination, I would feel more in control, less adrift, if I knew where the steering wheel to my ship had gone.

I am eager to delve deep into this chasm of uncertainty, with trepidatious excitement! I am willing to explore all angles and not allow any biases or preconceived notions creep in. I want to view this world anew, with a childlike spirit, keeping my heart open to all its wonders. I can only hope that I will either discover something new, or that little voice within will have the space to speak, telling me what my heart wants and where my light will guide me.

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