I have spent the past two weeks getting very little done, but I have connected with some amazing friends to engage headlong into those very important conversations about what truly matters…heart, family, home, food, and meaningful connections.
While I am behind in my housework and have given very little attention to the garden, I have been stimulated, mentally nourished. My listless meanderings have evolved into conscious thought so heavy, so tangible, I want to hold it in my hands and inspect it, analyze it. To remove that weight would be almost physical relief.
I didn’t realise just how long I had felt imbalanced. Stress and anxiety and feeling generally worn thin had wreaked havoc without my apparent notice. Dispersed feelings which perhaps began gradually and seemingly unnoticed, had accumulated to a point of agitation. I couldn’t think straight or even in circles – it was all a jumble and I had become stuck. A break from routine and time to nurture my inner self was essential.
There is something fundamentally ancient, rooted in genetics and history, that sisters come together to connect and support one another. It is a reminder that we are all born from one source, an energy from long ago, shards from the same rock. It is only when we truly open our hearts and reveal our hopes and fears and dreams that we permit others to provide support, to give back and share their hopes and fears and dreams, together paving a way to an answer, a remedy. I often seek quiet and solitude, which does not readily come in a large family, but I can all too easily miss out on meaningful conversations with others outside our insular, familial sphere. It takes effort and a conscious decision to seek others out and engage in those conversations that test the mind and challenge your very core.
Remaining aloof from these important connections can result in a closed heart, feelings of isolation, and resentment that your voice is not heard. Who cares what you feel or what you want? But how can anyone care or know when you keep it buried deep below. You have held back your true passion, your true self, for so long you begin to lose touch with yourself. A conversation can shake you up, crumble those walls, dig you out of that metaphorical hole. What was dark has been bathed in light, revealed for all, and more importantly you, to see.
I am getting there. I am beginning to see the light. I feel a promise and hope, and each day I feel the mind ease as I instead turn to my heart and soul to guide me.
But still, I feel the weight of my indecision, my inability to pick a path. It is as if I stand at a junction on a lonely and deserted mountain. Each path leads I know not where – the crest in the path obscuring what lies beyond. I want to peer over these crests to get a glimpse, to see how my heart reacts – will the sight and knowledge of what is there strike joy in my being, illuminating and bringing my very core to life? But to step out from the known, to take that leap of faith, and what if it is wrong. Can I turn back? This is where I stand now. I can see the pathways, the veil has lifted, and I know, I can feel that my potential, my purpose is there on the other side of one of these paths. My ear is not yet keen enough, and my eye sees only the crest. I must close my eyes, switch off what I am straining to hear and breathe deep and long. Allow my heart to listen, my soul to feel. Let that which I have kept so quiet, so mute, free to choose.