Hello again! I have been on a really long hiatus from this blog, so this post will probably sound disconnected and unfocussed (which coincidentally is how I’ve been feeling lately!).
I had come to a cross roads some weeks back when I decided that there would be no more children to welcome into our family. That was a seriously hard realisation, and one that brought with it much grief and despondency. It was in fact a natural decision not to have any more children, though by my comments you would be forgiven for believing that it was a decision forced upon me. It felt right for me that my time welcoming babies into the world was over. For a time I had in fact been forcing myself to want another baby, to make my brood an even number, perhaps even an equal number of boys and girls (yeah I have that much power over nature!). But I am 40, I have been at home for a decade now, which I have absolutely loved, even while it is has not unexpectedly come with its frustrations and less than joyous moments, like any career really. I just felt done! And that’s fine now. I came to terms with how I was feeling, voiced them, saw how it fit when I uttered the words “no more babies for me”, tested my resolve when I saw a pregnant woman pass, or a cute baby in a highchair wearing handknits and an adorable expression! Yeah that last one was a test, but the momentary longing passed. Those baby stages are whispers of time, and I seriously would never be done with having babies if I felt the gnawing, desperate need to have a 6 month old wooing me with a cute grin and sporting a woollen cardi! But the end of one road, does force the issue of what comes next. What fills the void that all those beautiful babies once filled? Well that is what has been occupying my thoughts and emotions this past couple of months. I needed to put the seeds of thought into my mind, to create the impetus for a shift in direction and attitude. I needed to upend my world and start painting a new picture. Hard stuff.
I still have one littlie at home with me. He is 2, so I have a few years left of full time devoted maternal bliss. But being out of the workforce for so long has left me stripped of any standing in my previous career. I need to pave the way for something new, something that will fit in with my family. My family have always come first, and I’m not willing to change that if at all avoidable. I think I have found my new future. It will require 2 years of some focussed attention, but with discipline and resolve I believe I can achieve that while still having the energy to enjoy my family.
Focus is not really my strongest attribute. I have lots of good intentions and am an avid reader and researcher, but having the focus to put something new into action and committing to it, well, that’s a whole new beast. In a bid to develop that skill, I have registered in Heather Bruggeman’s Whole Food Kitchen online course. The course focuses on 30 days of wholesome eating. Now focussing for 30 days on wholesome cooking is not necessarily that much of a challenge for me. Food is where I’m at – I breathe it, live it, love it. I read cookbooks like fictional novels. But a whole 30 consecutive days of cooking and eating that way, well that is going to be a challenge. I think registrations for this course are still open. I urge you to take a look. Heather Bruggeman, author of Beauty that Moves, displays a gentle, unhurried approach to cooking and eating. She is an advocate of whole, nourishing food, does not subscribe to any labels, and she openly and warmly welcomes you into her kitchen and her life. I have bookmarked many of her pages, not many are even recipes, but simply photos that encourage an idea. I love to cook, and I love to scour cookbooks and blogs, magazines, anywhere, for new recipes to try. But, after devouring the contents of Heather’s blog, the idea of cooking without a recipe has steadily crept into my thinking. How liberating! A photo of sausages cooking, a tray of cubed spuds and broccoli florets. That’s dinner. How deliciously simple is that?!
I’ve said this before, but I am hoping that I can use this space to document my journey to wholesome, nourishing living. Perhaps if I journal my experiences while following Whole Food Kitchen that one goal can be achieved and I am that much closer to creating my new future.